dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
