Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Sorry about my life...
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
