Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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