i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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