I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
