Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
