is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
