1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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