mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
