On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
