You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
