Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
