dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
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