For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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