what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
