I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
