I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
