i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
