I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
