she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
