I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
the condom got lost in my hair
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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