Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
