Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
