If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My pussy is not your playground.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
