She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Someone came in the potted fern
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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