Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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