Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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