I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
