my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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