Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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