Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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