I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
