I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
