and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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