Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
