If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
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