My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
