YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
We had to coat check the pizza.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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