Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
