Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
