My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
