clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
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You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
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Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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