i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
