look no pants
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
