Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
