my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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