I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
