throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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