I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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