I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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