mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
