my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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