I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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