Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
