If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Randomize
