I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
