FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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