cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
