i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
