I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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