But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
