i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
